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Monday, January 9, 2012

Can't help but feel bummmed

As you all know by now my son has Autism. They are supposed to thrive on scedules so I am told. My son does wonders at school on a schedule but at home..sigh.. not even close. He wants nothing to do with a schedule. So over 2 week Christmas break-which did go well- I didnt attempt his schedule at all. Time came around for school again and he went without fuss. I learned he had an awesome day and only forgot things here or there. But I couldnt help feeling like I should have done more. The school pyschologist came around to set up in home appointments with us the next day. Mine is scheduled for Janurary 19th. I cant help but feel insecure about it all after hearing the other mothers talk about there break. Now I know I know I know!!! by now I should be ok hearing about other children because they say once you have met with child with Autsim you have met one child with Autism. All of them are so different, its why its called a Spectrum disorder. Both the other boys talk, one can read well and the other who is 8 months younger than my son is starting to read and they sing songs in class. My son struggles to have any noise come out of his mouth other than a humm. I know my son is very smart and he is making big strides but I cant keep in the hurt anymore. I have been fighting this for weeks. I am not hurt by him and I know its a struggle for him to be in our world and be soo different. I love him soo much that it hurts! I feel like I dont do enough or I didnt do enough over break. I should probably be more forceful with taking the TV away and making him do a schedule. But when he doesnt want to do it, it stresses him out and they say dont do the schedule if he doesnt do it right, then what do I do from there? People tell me to read to him or make him social stories to help him with things but he doesnt pay attention long enough to do any of it. I cant read a regular book to him. He used to love when I would sing to him and he would get very happy and make noises. Now it seems to irritate him. Maybe all this will go away once he is back in school regularly-since there was a break and then a snow storm-school hasnt been a full week yet. But then there comes more fears with that! He doesnt go to school over the summer, so in 2 weeks for a holiday I am noticing things going backward then how can I deal with a whole summer? He need smore therapies and I am not sure how to get them. I want him going outside of school- how do I get those therapies covered? Do I ask his reg peds doctor or do I have to make an appointment with his Neurologist? Where do I find time for this? Its not fair for him to have to wait another 10 weeks because I have to do my externship at night but we dont have time for it during the day? Sooo many questions and I dont know where to find the answers. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. I am very happy and think I might not be depressed then the next day, I am a huge bitch, I cant sleep, everything is irritating and then comes the guilt for being that way all day. Is it just hormones out of whack or am I depressed? The evaluation I took at the neuroscience center says I need meds but who can afford them? Not me! I cant even afford to make a doctors appointment. I thought I would feel some what better after writing all this down, like I normally do but not this time. So much is up in the air and I dont know where to start. I thought I had things figured out...I dont know shit! Things are spiraling out of control but only within me. Everyone else is fine and I put on my happy face and do everything in my power to be there for them but I am starting to close off. I dont want to do crap, I am not motivated for anything and dont know what  to do. I am hoping this passes like all the other times. But eventually this will come again..where I feel like I am losing it and losing everything. I just cant help but feel bummed.