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Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Little Boy Gone

I have always been a suffer in silence type but the past 9 months have been hard, especially the last 6 of them.
I can't keep my emotions in check, they need a place to spill out.
I only write when I need to, when I have the urge I can't shake. 
If you haven't followed us so far, here is a quick recap.
Luke is 6, was diagnosed at 2 with autism, he is nonverbal, has anxiety and new diagnosis of P.A.N.D.A.S. This new diagnosis has been hard.
He was hospitalized this past January for a lymph node infection from reoccurring strep. Since then he has had big behavioral changes, he is mean, aggressive, and physically violent. He seems to have some OCD now.
Yes he has meltdowns and he would get frustrated but this is something else entirely.
My boy has gone missing.
We've been doing meds for months with only slight changes in his behaviors. 
Is it a PANDAS thing, an autism thing, a med thing? 
I feel helpless. I feel like I can't reach him. I feel like I can't help him.
When Lukas was 15-18 months he went thru a huge regression, I felt like within months the boy I knew was gone.
I am having to face all these feelings again. 
I am having a hard time trying to remember when he wasn't aggressive. The look in his eyes now is just anger and mean.
My heart breaks. He is having issues at school, attacking his aide/teacher/students. He is not wanting to work, spitting on the floor, having meltdowns and tantrums.
Everyday I hope for better news. 
He does have better days, he isn't always aggressive and I try to concentrate on that.
I have no answers right now.
I have no way to feel better.
I just have hope. Hope that I will find him again someday. Hope that my heart will stop breaking into a thousand pieces. Hope that he won't be so angry and that he will find peace.
Only time will tell but I will be here with him as long as it takes. Being stronger than I ever thought possible, all out of my love for him.