You can never tell what is going to happen in my house. Everyday is a new day, new challenges, new things to smile about, new things to hate...each day brings something new. Since the middle of July when we bought him his therapy swing for home, Luke has been on a pretty god roll. Very little meltdowns, over all pretty happy. Recently he had an amazing day, full of peeing in the potty, playing with toys, said Momma 3 times, let me brush his teeth, cut his nails with no/barely any fuss. I wish good days like that can last. I don't know what makes those exceptional days happen but I love it and I wish everyday could be as such. The reality is...its not going to last.
Luke goes through phases constantly. Usually in his "up" phase he has some speech (momma,dadda,pop,that) nothing major but its music to my ears. He will try new things, be good when we go out some where, meltdowns and tantrums (yes he does have tantrums too) are minimal. I love good phases, on a positive point, good phases are lasting a lot longer now. Bad says only seem to be here and there and are only a day/few days long.
It makes it that much sweeter when he is in his "up" phase (although when they end is heart breaking). I get to appreciate everything so much more. The smile on his face can warm my heart in .5 seconds and erase all the anger and frustration and exhaustion. One thing I wish I knew though, what makes good days and bad days? Everyone has a bad day, I have to remind myself of that. I have bad days more than the average person but I am under a bit of stress. I still feel guilt everyday about his diagnosis...I think I did something to him which in reality no one knows what causes it and I am just still in my grieving process I suppose? I dunno maybe I am just bat shit crazy =P .I am all over the place...I wish I could make his extremely good days last but it seems after a good day like that bad days are always there the next day. I wonder if its actually draining and tiring on him to have a good day? I thought maybe he was getting sick this time and the is enough means for an awful attitude with anyone.
So what does mommy do...I spike his milk with melatonin so he can get a good night rest which he did and so far today seems like its going a lot better than yesterday. His eye is looking so much better, he looks rested, his nose isn't running and he was out here swinging in his therapy swing at 5:30 this morning watching Mickey Mouse on the iPad. Too fully appreciate ups, I guess you have to go through the downs. I just wish I knew a trigger so he could go through ups better and longer. I look back over the past year and see how far he has come and just WOW! He is a completely different kid so I need to step back and get prospective once in awhile and look at the whole picture.
I guess maybe this post is just ramblings on my inner thoughts. I reread this and say hmm I haven't gotten to the point I originally wanted to make but I cant seem to get there. Putting thoughts into writing today aren't coming easily lol. So for now, I will drink my coffee..surf the web while they watch their morning cartoons and enjoy the new day as it unfolds before my eyes.
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