PTSD and Autism

Let me please start off by saying that this is by no means a jab at my husband. I love my husband, he is wonderful to us and has never hurt my kids. This is just another reality of our situation that I am going to open up about and share.

My husband was in the Army for 9 years. He did one peace keeping tour and then two combat tours in Iraq. He was infantry, he seen a lot of bad things and I am sure had to do things most people cant imagine. I do not ask him about what he went through, he has a hard enough time dealing with it. His PTSD wasn't as bad as it is now until he got out of the Army. He has nightmares every night, shakes the bed from his trembling and you can't touch him to wake him. There have been two nights where my shifting in bed woke him up and he came at me. He did not hurt me but he was in my face and close. He, after a few seconds realizes who I am and relaxes and passes right back out. I in turn cry and so sleep on the couch. Lets get to family life with the kids.

I am the sole person caring for my kids. I am a stay at home mom, so I don't mind keeping things tidy. He doesn't expect this from me, its just the way I am. I do the cooking, cleaning, washing, feeding, bathing, shopping..etc. Throw PTSD and Autism on top of that and I am one tired Momma..always. My husbands temper is very short. Things that would set me off don't bother him at all. Thing that don't bother me set him off in a big way. There is lots of yelling and cussing (I like to think of them as sentence enhancers). This does get to be a problem with our son and some of his behaviors. We can tell Luke no multiple times for doing the same thing, or stop him from doing something and Luke keeps doing it anyway. Of course this is frustrating to anyone but to the hubbs it gets under his skin very quickly. I understand Lukes communication skills are almost 2 years behind so I have patience..PTSD has no patience.

I am always a little scared to leave my kids, not because he will hurt them..he NEVER has but because he is wrapped inside his own mind like Luke. He gets tunnel vision and has a hard time coming out in to our world. He plays a video game on the computer that he can sit at for hours and forget everything else going on. If you bother him while doing something he tends to get pissy sometimes. As you all know our little ASD kiddos can get into trouble in .5 seconds. So I often have bad anxiety when away. I never know if the kids will be getting checked on and watched. I don't watch my kids like a hawk but I always know what they are up to. This has gotten better lately - whether its the meds I am now taking for anxiety/depression or the hubs is getting better at watching, I don't know.

He has a hard time just spending time with the family at home. When we go out and do things he is fine and talks to everyone and interacts. I have to ask him to please play with the kids. Sometimes it lasts for 10-15 minutes and he is done saying that's enough so he can continue on his way - its never long enough for the kids. This momma gets tired and needs a break. I need Dadda to step it up. Emma is a daddies girl and starves for his attention when he is home. All adults need time away or to have 'me' time but the hubs comes home everyday, sleeps for 2-3 hours, wakes up and gets on the computer and can sit there until bed time. The game is his escape from reality, from his own mind. If he concentrates enough on the game then all the bad thoughts and memories in his head disappear for awhile. I just wish he could channel some of that attention into his kids. He has tried meds, he has a reason for not liking any of them. He does do counseling, this seems to be helping but as anything else, it always get worse before it gets better. He is attempting though and that's what matters.

There are some things Luke and his daddy have in common though. They both cant do parades, large crowds and definitely not fireworks.The 4th of July is the bane of our existence in this house. I LOVE the 4th but its a sacrifice I make so that I can keep my house functioning. They get lost into their own minds. Obsess over things.

I keep my house together as best I can. The hubbs really loves his kids but he has his own demons to over come. He would do anything for them but what I think they need the most is play time. We are having conversations about this. One last night on the way home, he says he is going to start helping me more. He is reading Emma bedtime stories every night now. He helped me with Luke on Saturday.

This all sounded a lot more put together in my head. I have been debating on writing it for days now but somehow after rereading it over and over I think I am missing things. Maybe I will add to it later. For now this is just my reality. PTSD husband, ASD 3 year old, 4 1/2 year old jabber jaw daughter and a crazy mom because of previously listen items. Ohhhh yea and a crazy dog! I guess that's why they invented meds!