Realization Hit

Sitting in my bed last night going through things on facebook, I happen to come across a video. It was from another mother with a child with Autism. For whatever reason that video broke through my wall that I have had in place. I just starting crying my eyes out and thinking the worst again. I know my son is making leaps and bounds but its hard to keep negative things away for long. I feel completely helpless at time. It was a very moving video and I was tired, so I am sure thats what did me in. I am an internal stresser for the most part but once it builds up..I have no other option but it let it out..alone in my room crying while everyone is sleeping. I feel better afterwards but I wish I had a different release sometimes. I am soo worried about his future and maybe I am morbid but I think constantly about what if there was an accident and I didnt make it back to my babies? What would happen to him, he is such a mommas boy. Luke and Emma would be devistated of course and not understand but would he get the right care, would he adjust okay..would he know momma loves him more than anything???? Even if I grow old and gray which I very much hope to do..will he get to the point where he can care for himself when me and dadda are gone? People tell me not to dwell on the unknown but I cant help but think of it sometimes. But for now, I just love him and do my best for him. Trying to figure out how to afford his chirstmas presents I put in layaway last month. We have fallen on hard times and it breaks my heart not knowing if I have to choose between food or his christmas. Will another miracle happen for us? I surely do hope so, but as we have had a few miracles this month, I cant be mad if it doesnt come through. God has blessed me with two babies who I love dearly and anything else I can cope with. As long as I have them with me all will be well. Hope to have a good rest of the weekend. Lukas crawled into my bed with morning to wake me up with a kiss and handing me his sippy cup! He is soo goofy at times.  This is a little snip I have of Lukas babbling and saying dada.