Sniffles and Babbles

My little Luke is nonverbal...for the most part. If you have been following along with our journey you know what I am referring to. If you are new to this, please check out my story but for now, in a nutshell he gets very brief and limited spurts of speech. I call them his 'up phases'.

I know there is a lot of talk about Autism and fevers. How when our kids are sick they seem to be more 'typical'. I am a believer in this. I have seen it when he is sick, he acts more "normal". Although when he is sick it is a huge pain in the a$$ because he cannot talk and tell me what is wrong. But that is a horse of another color.

Luke has been getting sick off and on since Thanksgiving. It seems there are a couple different Flu's running around on top of a couple different colds. Once he is over one of them, within a few days to a week we all seem to catch the next one.

Yesterday Luke woke up with the sniffles. Sometimes its runny, sometimes its stuffy. Either way I know he isn't feeling well. He is being a trooper so far and very minimal complaints. What has been happening other than the cold is amazing.

Whether it is pure happenstance or linked I am sure I will never know but yesterday and today he has been playing and babbling. I almost got 'Momma' out of him today. He sat in the living room and played with these plastic toys you link together for over 30 minutes. I was completely blissed out.
His babbling and noises are amazing. It is music to my ears. I wish he would let me catch it on video but the stinker knows when I grab my phone and start to record he just hushes right up.

So while the sniffles truly suck and I know it bothers him to have them, I absolutely love the babbles. There is so much about Autism that is a mystery. I think the missing puzzle piece sums it up pretty well. I won't ever know if when he is sick and acting more 'typical' if it related but I believe it is. There is so much that I don't know. And if I will ever truly know the answers too.

But for now I will enjoy my sniffles and babbles because they are my light in the darkness. The light I so desperately run to time and time again. This light will fade out soon, as it always does but for now it is shining bright. A beacon of hope. For if we don't have faith and hope we are lost. I will never let him get lost. I will always lead us back to the light because it is what I do. I love him dearly. As long as the light never goes all the way out there is always a dim reminder of what once was and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Eww What is that? Did you just? Ohhh man!

Now that I have a little bit of time I figured I would get down to my poop post. After reading Momma Fry post about her poop emails today it reminded me that I never wrote about the incident on Saturday, and the blog I promised you all. This is not for the weak stomach kind..its all kinds of gross!!! So if you stick around I applaud u.

It is no secret that winter break was no break at all. We picked up all kinds of bad habits (read last blog post). We are also back into the finger paint with poop phase. Yippiee! You are so jealous of me right? Who doesn't want to clean up crap nonstop? It is sooo the dream life. Last Saturday Luke was actually in his room behaving. Shocker right? I was amazed! He actually brought his blanket in and went to sleep on his bed....or so we thought.

All was quiet, I checked in a few times and he was just laying there sleeping. Emma was also sleeping which is a super rare occasion because she is almost 5 and hasn't done naps in quite a long time. My husband and I are both on our computesr when we here pitter patter on the floor. I know that sound anywhere...its strange how you can tell which kid is which by the way you hear them walk on the kitchen floor.

My husbands says "Ohhh no!!! Hands!!!! (This is never a good sign at all...trust me)
I then turn around and my son is flapping his hands and arms a mile a minute. I grab him still not knowing yet and then he puts his hand on my arm. Ohhhh god...no! No No No!!!! His hands are sooo covered in crap that he looks like he is wearing brown gloves. Awesome right? Yea I know...

I rush him to the bathroom so I can clean him up. Then I see his back side...poop up to his neck. His has obviously been busy while we thought he was sleeping. As I am cleaning him and on the verge of vomiting everywhere my husband walks into his room.

He says "Have you seen his f*cking room yet?"
...No!!!! Not anymore please! (very big internal sigh)

I am a little pissed off by now to say the least and I scream "No! I am trying to get all this shit that is caked onto your son off before I give him a bath.

After cleaning him off, cleaning out the bathtub and then running his bath water I get to see his room.
Smashed into the carpet...his whole train table was covered. You could not see one part of it..all his toys that were on the table had some on them. Needless to say I went through tons and tons of bleach....

What I truly don't understand is how he can play with poop but yet can't touch most every day things? How can he stand the smell, cake it under his fingers but yet hates having his nails cut or anyone touching his nails? But poop is totally cool with him? If he only knew!

Two days later when I had a realtor over (she is a friend so she just came over to discuss houses) he was in my bed room painting my bed in poop again. I threw away the sheets. Totally not worth it to me. I was more than fed up. He can undress himself. I cannot find onsies big enough for him. Sooo yea I hope this phase is over with quickly.

While we are on the subject of gross things...he has also picked up the habit of picking his nose. His fingers are constantly up there now..to the point of his nose bleeding multiple times a day. I keep trying to redirect but he just wants to go right up there again.

And riddle me this Batman...how can this kid eat his boogers?!?!?!?! I all but vomit if I do not catch him in time and he eats it. He is an extremely picky eater!!!! He eats maybe a total of 6 things...but yet boogers are cool? Come on kiddo! Throw your Mom a bone here? Something....

Don't get me started on saliva! Kid has a new obsession with that one too. Isn't it fantastic! Spitting and playing in drool...

Boogers, Poop and Saliva! Oh My!


Hopefully you all haven't puked all over the place. I am done ranting about the nasties. I know a lot of  parents go through this, so I bet we all have pretty strong stomachs.

Another day in the life of Autism.
It is always full of.. Ewwww! What is that? Nooooo!!! Did you just eat that? Ohhh man....Don't put that in your mouth! No! Don't wipe that on the wall!

Meds, Lack of Sleep and Bad Habbits! Oh My!

My brain is pretty scattered right now so I can going to try to start from the beginning and work my way up to today's events. Please bare with me. This will not be one of my happier blog posts but it does have some good things in it. This is my reality, another part to my adventures in Lukes world and Autism.

It is no secret that I feel that I am depressed and I do have anxiety, it doesn't control my life but it got to a point where I went to the doctor to seek help. I could not stand the way I was feeling anymore and the thoughts that were going through my head. My doc put me on Zoloft 50mg once a day. I have felt loads better. Best I have felt in a long time...except for two things.
One- these crazy, insane, vivid, weird dreams. There were VERY intense and I felt sooo incredibly drained afterwards. I was having them more often than not.
Two- It is very hard to explain...It was like restless leg syndrome but in my arms. If I didn't fall asleep right away after taking my medicine it would start in my shoulders and make its way down my arms. It was like I had to move, rub my arms, shift constantly. It could last for hours and I HATED the feeling.

It took some time to get into my Doc but by the end of December I had my appointment and talked to her about it. She decided to have me try a new medicine- Lexapro. I have only been on it a few days but she warned me I would have a "wash out phase". This is where one med starts leaving the body and the new one takes time to build up. She said it would take a few weeks...I hope this is wrong because it brings me to my next part.

I am feeling awful! I cant fall asleep, I am thinking very negative again and feeling exactly how I felt before all the medicine. Everyday it gets a little worse and combined with my next part I am about to dive into...it was a breakdown waiting to happen.

Luke has been on break for holiday since December 21st. He does not go back until the 8th of January. He hasn't been seeing a OT because of not being in school and the one we want to get him into had surgery. His evaluation with her was supposed to be today but had to be canceled due to complications from her surgery. Although this makes me very bummed, I wish her a speedy recovery. Anyway..back on track! He has been picking up some pretty bad habits that I wanted to discuss with her...
One- he is pinching himself very hard and very often.
Two- he is spitting all over the place now and wont stop.
Three- He is biting himself, mostly his fingers. Biting hard and very often.
Four- Over all just destructive and combative.

So with changing of meds, lack of sleep that comes with Autism plus the changing of meds lack of sleep and all these bad habits...today I finally broke.

Today is Thursday, we have Speech Therapy with Miss Amy every Thursday at 10 am. We went there with no issues, he went back with her with no issues and I was just sitting in the waiting area. Next thing I know I am on the verge of tears and holding on for dear life trying to make it stop. It didn't and I sat in the waiting area and just bawled my eyes out. I am not proud of this, I try to do this in private but I guess it just needed to happen. I started thinking I was a failure as a mom, that his Autism was my fault, what if this therapy is for nothing? What if I am doing all the wrong things for him? Was it something I did while I was pregnant with him? Everything I HADN'T thought about in a long time since being on my original meds. I was broken, I felt small and like a piece of crap to say the least.

Poor Miss Amy comes out with Lukas and he is smiling so big. Well shit, now I am caught in the act. She says oh no whats wrong? Wait you don't have to tell me. I love her to pieces, she is such a nice person. I explain to her whats going on and how I am feeling and I think its a combo of a few things and I just broke down. She sat and talked to me, which is what I think I needed too. She told me about his session which was the turning point in my day, which leads to the good news. Enough of my emotional ranting lol.

Luke said 'more' for her today in therapy!! Ohh man it was the other kind of medicine I definitely needed, the kind that you dont know you need until you get it. He did his snowman book almost all by himself! So proud of him. He saw me upset and just had the biggest smile on his face. Which brings me to my next thing.

Since coming home, he has said momma a few times. He has also said more a few more times. Every time I break down like this he seems to know. I mean EVERY TIME I breakdown he will start to say momma or a few other random words. It is like he is bringing me out of the darkness. He is my light that I keep running to that I so desperately need to find. He will be silent for months on end and then bam! He is saying Momma, Dadda, that, car, bye. Is this something clicking inside him? Is this a big coincidence? Is this an act of God?

Will I ever know the answer to that? Probably not and that is ok by me. It is exactly what I needed, right when I needed and that is all that matters. I know it is inside of him somewhere. Maybe it will only be spurts like this for the rest of his life, maybe a few years down the road it will stick around. For now I have my big ball of light in the darkness and I am holding on for dear life.