Meds, Lack of Sleep and Bad Habbits! Oh My!

My brain is pretty scattered right now so I can going to try to start from the beginning and work my way up to today's events. Please bare with me. This will not be one of my happier blog posts but it does have some good things in it. This is my reality, another part to my adventures in Lukes world and Autism.

It is no secret that I feel that I am depressed and I do have anxiety, it doesn't control my life but it got to a point where I went to the doctor to seek help. I could not stand the way I was feeling anymore and the thoughts that were going through my head. My doc put me on Zoloft 50mg once a day. I have felt loads better. Best I have felt in a long time...except for two things.
One- these crazy, insane, vivid, weird dreams. There were VERY intense and I felt sooo incredibly drained afterwards. I was having them more often than not.
Two- It is very hard to explain...It was like restless leg syndrome but in my arms. If I didn't fall asleep right away after taking my medicine it would start in my shoulders and make its way down my arms. It was like I had to move, rub my arms, shift constantly. It could last for hours and I HATED the feeling.

It took some time to get into my Doc but by the end of December I had my appointment and talked to her about it. She decided to have me try a new medicine- Lexapro. I have only been on it a few days but she warned me I would have a "wash out phase". This is where one med starts leaving the body and the new one takes time to build up. She said it would take a few weeks...I hope this is wrong because it brings me to my next part.

I am feeling awful! I cant fall asleep, I am thinking very negative again and feeling exactly how I felt before all the medicine. Everyday it gets a little worse and combined with my next part I am about to dive into...it was a breakdown waiting to happen.

Luke has been on break for holiday since December 21st. He does not go back until the 8th of January. He hasn't been seeing a OT because of not being in school and the one we want to get him into had surgery. His evaluation with her was supposed to be today but had to be canceled due to complications from her surgery. Although this makes me very bummed, I wish her a speedy recovery. Anyway..back on track! He has been picking up some pretty bad habits that I wanted to discuss with her...
One- he is pinching himself very hard and very often.
Two- he is spitting all over the place now and wont stop.
Three- He is biting himself, mostly his fingers. Biting hard and very often.
Four- Over all just destructive and combative.

So with changing of meds, lack of sleep that comes with Autism plus the changing of meds lack of sleep and all these bad habits...today I finally broke.

Today is Thursday, we have Speech Therapy with Miss Amy every Thursday at 10 am. We went there with no issues, he went back with her with no issues and I was just sitting in the waiting area. Next thing I know I am on the verge of tears and holding on for dear life trying to make it stop. It didn't and I sat in the waiting area and just bawled my eyes out. I am not proud of this, I try to do this in private but I guess it just needed to happen. I started thinking I was a failure as a mom, that his Autism was my fault, what if this therapy is for nothing? What if I am doing all the wrong things for him? Was it something I did while I was pregnant with him? Everything I HADN'T thought about in a long time since being on my original meds. I was broken, I felt small and like a piece of crap to say the least.

Poor Miss Amy comes out with Lukas and he is smiling so big. Well shit, now I am caught in the act. She says oh no whats wrong? Wait you don't have to tell me. I love her to pieces, she is such a nice person. I explain to her whats going on and how I am feeling and I think its a combo of a few things and I just broke down. She sat and talked to me, which is what I think I needed too. She told me about his session which was the turning point in my day, which leads to the good news. Enough of my emotional ranting lol.

Luke said 'more' for her today in therapy!! Ohh man it was the other kind of medicine I definitely needed, the kind that you dont know you need until you get it. He did his snowman book almost all by himself! So proud of him. He saw me upset and just had the biggest smile on his face. Which brings me to my next thing.

Since coming home, he has said momma a few times. He has also said more a few more times. Every time I break down like this he seems to know. I mean EVERY TIME I breakdown he will start to say momma or a few other random words. It is like he is bringing me out of the darkness. He is my light that I keep running to that I so desperately need to find. He will be silent for months on end and then bam! He is saying Momma, Dadda, that, car, bye. Is this something clicking inside him? Is this a big coincidence? Is this an act of God?

Will I ever know the answer to that? Probably not and that is ok by me. It is exactly what I needed, right when I needed and that is all that matters. I know it is inside of him somewhere. Maybe it will only be spurts like this for the rest of his life, maybe a few years down the road it will stick around. For now I have my big ball of light in the darkness and I am holding on for dear life.