Worried, Anxious and Nervous

    Today Luke starts at Streetsboro City School for the early program. Although I am very happy they have this program, it is going to be a huge shock to Lukas. I know today and tomorrow will be the hardest but I wish he didn't have to go through it at all. I wish he didn't get so scared and traumatized in new places and new routines. I wish I could take all his pain, frustrations, fear and anxiety away. I am hoping to get some pictures today when I go to get him, so I can put a story together and have a photo book ready so we can scroll through pictures. They haven't been open for me to go until he starts today, so he has no idea whats going to be happening.
    I know I shouldn't concentrate on the negative thoughts right now but its human nature. I am sure after he gets established he will love it just like he did Happy Days. Getting to that point is a rough road though. The only people who understand are the ones going through that themselves, with their children. I am glad I have the support that I do though. They make it easier, god bless my mother, she is always there to pick up the pieces even though I am 26 years old. We just had an amazing weekend with them. Luke did so wonderful, making eye contact, touching and smiling so much! Those are the memories I need to keep in mind when I get nervous like this. He has come so far through all of this. He has accomplished so much, learned so many things and become the loving boy he used to be.
    All I can do is be proactive in helping him cope. I will be there to hug him, cry with him and calm him when he needs it. This is just one more step we have to overcome when it comes to Autism. Things will always be harder, more emotional and more tragic. I know my little man is strong enough to get through this. Autism wont define him. We can do this together.

You can't control the wind but you can adjust the sails.

    It was my first weekend away from my little man in quite some time. I was sad but little miss Emma and I had a blast up in New York! What made it really awesome is that my friend Debra who I met through my mother (she also has a boy on the spectrum) was in the same little town at the same time I was! I got to meet Sam and Debra and it was awesome!!! Sam is so very amazing and I see a lot of Luke in him. Meanwhile back at home Luke did good. My husband said he could tell he missed me and didn't move around much but he was a good boy. He didn't babble or say anything while I was gone but it made my day when I came home and he started babbling away, saying Momma and Bam Bam for his favorite movie Bambi!
    Now on a completely different note, before I had mentioned before, after waiting over a month for insurance approval, we did get denied for his vest. I was super bummed out because I had just made arrangements to buy him a therapy swing after getting approval from the landlord to mount it. I didn't know how to choose between the two and with Lukes third birthday right around the corner and both my little ones going to preschool in August, I had no idea how to afford any of it. I didn't think I would be able to figure out how to get them all and get his presents and some clothes for the kids. Of course at first I was angry, then bummed and then just lost hope of getting it. I cant help but be human and be negative when bad news comes. I have never been an optimistic and I give major props to people who are. So after a weekend of thinking and being gone I came home and starting doing research trying to find a solution. If my son needs it, I will make it happen. I have learned through this experience so far that nothing is impossible if you just keep trying and looking else where for solutions.
     After looking up different prices on different websites for both his vest and his swing, I was starting to get negative again. So I completely cleared my screen and started goggling the name of his therapy swing. Everyone loves goggle ha ha. I found most of the same sites I had been looking at and then I found the answer to my prayers. Sears actually sold his swing! We have a Sears card, doesn't have a huge credit limit but it was definitely more than enough to get his swing. I asked my husband for the card number and I got to order it! So then I went and ordered Lukes vest from a site that I found and it was only 129 dollars compared to 300-400 I had been seeing on some sites. So I am pretty happy right now. Life throws things at you, sometimes good and sometimes bad but if you just stick through it, there is always a solution to your problem. Sometimes it will be a lot rougher road, trust me I have been there but you need to believe and have faith. I am a very motivated momma. I will go without anything just to get what my kids need. Its why I love this quote so much now. It has a very good meaning to it and hits close to home. "You can't control the wind but you can adjust your sails." Its very very true. Change happens, it happens more than we like. "Change is inevitable, progression is optional." I will always do what I must for my kids. Its hard enough to be in this world as a normal person, I can't imagine what he goes through everyday. I will make it as easy on him as I can.

Changes Come

    The only permanent thing in our lives is change itself. We can embrace, try to change it or simply ignore it but it does come. Its time for change in our lives and I am trying to find ways through it. I have found an app for his iPad to make social stories for him. Social Stories are stories we use with pictures and small phrases to help them cope or learn or even maybe set a new pattern or routine. I surely hope this helps. We had to say Goodbye to Happy Days School today and it was more rough for me than it was for him and I am kind of happy for that. I don't like to see Luke upset in anyway. Luke doesn't understand that he is done going there, he is oblivious to what is coming. Sometimes I think its a curse and a cure at the same time. A curse because change creeps up on him and scares him and he has to learn how to cope with things he didn't see coming. A cure because he doesn't feel the pain of lose at this moment in time and for that I am grateful. I know he loves his intervention team very much and is going to miss them immensely but for now he doesn't know that on Monday he wont be going back. They bring a smile to his face everytime I show him their picture. I will definitely keep in touch with them, they are part of who we are now.
    I let tears fall and get it out of my system for my babies need me and I don't need to be mopey and focus on the negative. I am choosing to embrace the change coming, make it as easy for him as I can. Today we got a letter in the mail from the insurance company saying he was denied his vest, after a month of waiting. So that will be my first thing on my list to get accomplished. I will order him a vest and try to get it here as soon as possible so he has comfort. I also got authorization from the landlord to mount a therapy swing in the house, so that will be one of the next things I do. I went to the store and found some materials for new tasks, some of his favorites to do at Happy Days, so I will make them for him so he has more familiar things to keep him busy. As soon as I can get to his new school, I am going to see if I can come take pictures so that I can make stories for him, to get him used to seeing these things and faces so I will not be such a shock and scary thing to him. I am motivated to help him in anyway I can. I am his Momma, its my job to roll with the punches and do a good job while rolling. I would do anything for my kiddos and that's what I plan to do, what ever it takes. We miss you already!

Cut too short too soon and it hurts.

    As we all know it is Lukes last week at Happy Days School but what I was not expecting is that yesterday was his last day with his Early Interventionist Jenny. I had no idea and after a horrid start to the day yesterday, it was the last thing I wanted to hear. Luke has been having these fits at night, we don't know what causes them, don't know how to stop them and they last for hours. It seems like he is craving some sensory compression, its hard to explain what he does and how he acts. He literally seems like he wants to crawl out of his skin sometimes and he gets very aggressive.
    We had a rough morning full of tantrums and lots of aggression towards me, so I was glad that he would be going to school because this Momma need some time to chill. I go to pick him up and hear he had a wonderful day, music to my ears! Then Jenny starts to walk with us to the door, this doesn't usually happen but she is telling me the things they did today and what fun he was having. Then she drops the bomb on me that its her last day with Lukas and she wants a hug. I gladly give her a hug and tell her, you did this on purpose to surprise me so I wouldn't be balling my eyes out! Which I didn't until I got to the car, she told me she had been giving Luke hugs all day and was going to miss him. He is going to miss her and truth is I am going to miss her too.
    Not all of you who read this will understand but I love them, I count them as family. Jenny has been the main person to work with Luke for the past 8-9 months and has done wonders for him. I am sooo grateful for everything they have done for him. They have made a huge impact in our lives and we have changed for the better because of their love, help, guidance and understanding. Needless to say I got into my car and the water works started and didn't stop for awhile and they continued off and on for the rest of the night. I lay in bed thinking of how far Luke has come since meeting Jenny and the rest of the staff at Happy Days. I have great gratitude that I don't think I could ever write it down in words to express how I really feel. Its just overwhelmingly peaceful to have my son and myself surrounded by people who understand him and who can reach out to him and help. They are patient and kind and full of love. I know I sound like a sappy crazy lady but its true. His development is a delicate thing and they now how to handle my fragile little package. This door is closing way too fast but its time to face the next adventure in our life. We love and will miss you all very much at Happy Days but we will surely keep in touch!

As one door closes another opens. I just hope its a good door.

       Today is Monday and everyone knows Mondays just suck. This Monday is the mark of the beginning of the week that ends Lukes stay at Happy Days School. I already know its not going to be a good week for me, they have done so much for him. I am trying very hard to think of all the positives and not dwell on the negatives of him leaving. Luke has gained almost year of mental development while being with them!! He has come a long way, he is out of his own world most days, he is definitely better with meltdowns and coping, for that I am truly grateful because we can take him places. Most of all I am grateful for his speech.
      Although his speech comes and goes and its not typical of someone his age, its very refreshing to hear him babble and say words here and there. He has had his speech (making sounds and babble with some words) for a consistent 2 months or more now, which is the longest he has ever kept it since the changes happened. He says Momma and Dada, pop, makes the baa and buuuh sounds, we caught him on video saying bad bad boy and he has just starting make taa sounds!
      With all those positive things said and a ton I didn't mention its still hard. He will be going to a city school next year. I am very grateful for everything Streetsboro has acquired for Luke and the other children! He will be having a small class and they have got the TEACHH program that he is doing now. I like the staff very much at Wait Primary but any mother would be nervous. It is going to be a big change for my little guy and change doesn't go very well for him. He loves his Early Intervention team very much and I am sure he will miss them greatly. I am hoping that as this door closes the one opening at Wait Primary goes smoothly. Luke is a lot to handle when he gets upset and I think the months ahead will be rough ones but hopefully the new routine will be set and he will adjust with grace.
       I am not sure how to prepare him for the coming change, Wait is going to have a 10 day acclimation program for him before school starts so he can see and adjust to his new surrounding with very low number of students and for that I am truly happy, I am just not sure if it is going to be enough. I know it will be rough for him and for me but I will do what I have always done, hug him and love him and tell him everything is going to be ok. This is just the next step in our adventures and with the rising sun a new day dawns and we will take it one day at a time.